Review of Gladiator 2: The Most Slept In Movie This Year

I never think about the Roman Empire. I'm very happy for that.

Written By Michael "Mike Dynamo" Bridgett Jr

Denzel is the best part of most movies.

Spoilers Galore due to movie dislike.

I caught Gladiator 2 today and it was... hmmm. I can't lie... I did not care for this film. I walked out of the theater and the Drafthouse employees asked me what I thought. I quickly made a sour face and said “Gladiator 2 is godawful.” I'm not going to bite my tongue for Ridley Scott.

This movie was bad. This movie made me want to leave in the middle. This movie forced me to grit my teeth to make it to the ending which I did not appreciate.

In my mind, Gladiator 2 is about two things: twin emperors destroying Rome (Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger), a white kid related to the dead hero from the first Gladiator film returning home, and acting like he doesn't remember. Luckily for all these actors, Denzel Washington is there. Unfortunately, the first thing Denzel does is buy a slave and turn him into a Gladiator. Yeah yeah yeah… I get it, that’s what it was like back then. Still, I don’t want to watch a movie where Denzel Washington buys a slave, tries to kill him, and still loses.

Denzel Washington is the villian. Denzel Washington believes in the rule of strength. Denzel Washington dies at the end of Gladiator 2 after being unable to pierce Lucius' Dad's armor while he's helpless in a river. I found that to be very stupid.

I know people are going to hate me for saying this, but Gladiator 2 is racist. Ridley Scott has a reputation for Hollywood racism, so I'm not pulling this out of nowhere. Sure, Denzel Washington is great in this film, but if you're Black and you speak, you're going to die. The lead black guy in the City-State Lucius is from, loses to Pedro Pascal (a white-passing Latino) and wants to die after that. When he does, he gets killed by monkeys...

I’m just saying if I made a movie, I wouldn’t be killing black dudes with monkeys. A rhino… sure… that’s less racially coded.

Keep in mind, Ridley Scott also made Exodus: Gods and Kings where all of the Gods and Kings were white and all the slaves and villains were Black. The best part is what Ridley Scott said when he was called out for this:

“I can’t mount a film of this budget, where I have to rely on tax rebates in Spain, and say that my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such. I’m just not going to get it financed. So the question doesn’t even come up.”

If he would have left that last bit out, about the question not coming up, I'd give more grace to anyone trying to prove Scott is not racist, but that attitude is essentially the entire problem. With lines like that, it's like he wants Black people to hate him. Just look up "Ridley Scott, racism" on your web search and you'll learn everything you need to about him.

Crazy... So what is Gladiator 2 about then?

I'm not spending a lot of time talking about this because I was the opposite of a fan, so I'll break it down as fast as I can.

1. Lucius, his wife Arishat (Yuval Gonen), and the rest of their City-State lose a war to Roman general Pedro Pascal

2. Arishat, an archer with cool face tattoos, takes a shot to the heart (heh) while Lucius gets hit in the head with a blunt object... in the middle of a fight with with swords, arrows, and trebuchets.

3. Lucius and his black leader in their African military are transported to Rome and that black leader unalives himself by a monkey while Lucius fights so well that he gets bought by Denzel Washington to be his gladiator. Black men getting killed by monkeys is not demure.

4. Rome has twin Neros (they look worse and worse in every scene which is pretty cool) and is in bad shape as a result. They want to show Pedro Pascal love with so good ol' Gladiator Games and Pascal can't say no to them because they will kill him.

5. Pedro Pascal and his wife Lucilla (Connie Nielsen) are planning to take over Rome from the twin emperors because they are bad for business.

6. Denzel Washington plans to make Lucius "his instrument" so HE can take over Rome because these twin emperors are bad for business.

7. Bunch of fights.

8. Gladiator boat fight.

9. Connie Nielsen realizes "the Barbarian" is her son, Lucius, because he droped some poetry on them fools after a fight that Nielsen's father Marcus Aurelius used to drop when he was alive. That also means he's Russell Crowe's son from the first Gladiator.

10. I don't know what kind of concussion these games cause to make you break out into old-man poetics, but Lucius has it. When his mother goes to his cage to see if it really is her son, Lucius acts brand new and yells at her so she leaves.

11. A senator owes Denzel Washington tons of money so Denzel owns that senator’s house now… Interesting bit of the pimp game. Denzel gets the secrets Pedro and Connie’s maid told him kissed out of him by Denzel, so Denzel tells the twin emperors to end Pedro and Connie's plans to overthrow them.

12. Pedro Pascal dies in a fight with Lucius and isn't even trying to kill him. General Pascal kills four guys, defends himself from his wife's grown son, and he and Lucius both bloodied, quit fighting. Then the pretorian guard shoots many arrows into Pedro and he's dead.

13. Denzel Washington and his machinations leave the twin emperors murdered and leave Denzel poised to be the next leader of Rome. (Good job, Denzel Washington! I really wish the movie would have ended here.)

14. I don't know... some other stuff happens and it's whatever.

15. Lucius kills Denzel Washington despite my hopes Denzel would pull out a victory. Then Lucius gives a speech about honor or something, looks for Connie Nielsen who's been shot with an arrow by Denzel Washington, and grabs some dirt like Russell Crowe in the first Gladiator—the end.

This movie just didn't do it for me. I tried to stay awake and couldn't for at least 10 minutes. Was this kind of epic violence captivating to me when I was younger? It had to be, right? Now, violence like this doesn't mean anything to me.

When I think back to watching the first Gladiator in 2000, I was at the University of Texas. This was a free movie for students so studios could get their thoughts. This was a world where the internet was young, there were no social media networks, and 9/11 hadn't happened yet. Perhaps that is the difference here. I thought I liked the first movie the first time around.

Then again, Gladiator had a plot, but back then, I didn't care what that plot was. I'm telling you, I never think about the Roman Empire. There was lots of epic violence and maybe that is more fun at 18 than it is at my current, older, more distinguished age. The violence (like the gladiator rhino murder) is still cool to watch, but new Gladiator made me rethink my position on the first Gladiator. I think it kind of sucked too.

That does sound godawful. Should I go see Gladiator 2?

I'll let Reverend Bishop Bullwinkle explain:

In other words absolutely NOT.

It's slow. It's Roman. I've noticed that any movie about Ancient Greece or Rome leaves way too much up to "fate" or "the gods." Reciting poetry after a gladiator battle? Acting brand new to a mother you haven't seen in 16 years and pretending to be someone else? The twin emperors pretending to be gods when they decide who gets to live or die? I just... don't want to do that anymore.

It's a movie about violent gladiators clashing. Sounds fun... but it's kind of... not. Once again... you are under no obligation to listen to me. I wish I had not wasted my $2 on this film (Alamo Movie Pass baby!) and will think twice before seeing anything Ridley Scott is involved in. While I'd like to stand by my claim that Ridley Scott is some sort of Hollywood racist, it's hard to do this to the man who was also behind the only gangster movie I've made it through other than The Godfather (which was for a class), American Gangster which also starred Denzel Washington. What can I say... people are complicated.

I still hate movie scores, but if I gave you one for Gladiator 2 it would be a 2 out of 10. 1 point for Denzel Washington, and 1 point for the other hundreds of people it takes to make films, great ones and horrible ones. I personally think this movie was godawful and their talents should have been used on something else. Once again, I never think about the Roman Empire, so take from that what you will.

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Two movies in a week. I already made up my mind about which one I like more.