I Was Not Into Civil War: A Review

"It's the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice of political films"

Well, friends and lovers, before we get into this I want to show appreciation to James who works at Alamo Draftouse, and Courtney who both said they liked my writing on a day I needed to hear that. Thank you guys very much. I'm not sure if I'm going to stick to doing reviews, but sometimes you hate something so much that you want to warn people about it. 

Did I Hate Civil War?

I know that I have this reputation as the "nice" reviewer. I think I got that while writing music reviews of records for Tunite Music. It’s a cool site that talks about a lot of classical music. So when talking about independent artists who do everything themselves, you want to find the parts you like about it and share them. Any of the 30 - 40 people reading what Tunite is putting out wants to connect with new projects and we keep that in mind. You want the reader to get out there and tell people about (and spend money on) new music. 

I don't feel anything similar about Civil War.

Civil War did not do anything for me. Civil War practically hurt my feelings. Civil War is one of the few movies I've wanted to walk out in the middle of as it bored me to tears. It is the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice of political movies. It's such a bad political movie it only hints at the politics that have taken our country of the United States to this point. 

In the film, you know California and Texas have split from the union, but you don't really know why. It's something Texas in particular talks about in their political rhetoric all the time. Karens and Kyles are like "Let's break away from the union and have two states of the largest states in the country." How does that work? How do you split your state and it still be a part of the country you split it from? Ridiculous assertion. 

Ridiculous Assertions For Two Hours

Civil War follows a group of wartime journalists who want to interview the president. The Western Forces are on their way to Washington D.C. and these guys want to get there first, do their interview, and take lots of pictures of all the violence they see along the way. I hope that sounds cool to you because it does not sound very cool to me. 

These two journalists are played by Kirsten Dunst and Wagner Moura (who I thought was Pedro Pascal the whole time like an idiot). They pick up 2 passengers who want to go to the front line with them, the older journalist Stephen McKinley Henderson and the 23-year-old Cailee Spaeny. Those are all the real names of the people in the movie as I don't have time for any character nonsense just like this movie. 

Kirsten is a photojournalist who has been in the game for a long time. Cailee wants to be just like her and even uses her dad's old film camera which I think is a dumb thing to do in a world with digital cameras exist and you’re filming war stuff. I'm not a journalist though, so trust me as much as you want her. Stephen and Wagner are writers who drive their truck that says "PRESS" on it so everybody knows who they are. 

So pretty, so skinny, so white. From Microsoft Start

After watching President Nick Offerman work on his speech for 2 minutes we transition to the protest Kirsten and Wagner are covering. Cailee gets in the way (like she do) and Kirsten pulls her behind a vehicle in order to avoid the suicide bomber that just hit the scene. That was nice of her. They meet, Kirsten is kind of mean but sometimes kind of nice, she makes Wagner decide while she goes to bed. Wagner is trying to hook it up, so Cailee comes along with one of the very few Black people in the movie, Stephen. 

How Civil War Treats People Of Color

This is the same director that did 28 Days Later. In that film, he made Cillian Murphy a big enough star to be the Scarecrow in Nolan's Batman movies. Murphy is not in Civil War though and it’s sad. I feel like this movie will make a star out of Cailee Spaeny though I don’t care much for skinny white women (see: Where Does Love Lie For You? A Review of "Love Lies Bleeding"). Unfortunately, in this movie virtually every Black person you're introduced to dies. Almost everyone. They try to give their black characters something to do at the end of the movie, but we see you Alex Garland. 

The team of four decides to cover a battle along the way to D.C. Stephen stays in the car because he's "old and can't run." There's a black guy with this random squad of white guys. He's the only one to get shot. They try to stuff gauze in the wound, but they can't save him. 

That's one dead black guy. 

Next, the team stops to get more gas and is approached by three guys with machine guns and have to bargain in Canadian dollars to get the fuel they need to make the trip. Luckily, those guys only hung up some looters (allegedly) who were beaten too bloody to spot their ethnicities. There were plans to beat them more and maybe murder them and photojournalists love pictures featuring military murder, so they take some of the guy next to the bodies. You didn't need to know about that unless you're worried about an actual Civil War. 

When our heroes drive away, at one point two other reporters were drunkenly told by Wagner what his and Kirsten’s plans were. They want to drive crazy though, and catch up. They play a strange game where they cross over to the hero journalist's vehicle while both cars are moving. Cailee is young and thinks it’s awesome, so she does the same thing to the other vehicle. This is not fun to me. I’m convinced something bad is about to happen but the characters both make it.

Bohai's car now has Cailee in it and when everyone else catches up, they notice that his car is empty. Off the road, Bohai and Cailee are on their knees in front of Jesse Plemons and a mass grave his fatigue-wearing friends have set up there. Kirsten and Wagner rush out to use their press credentials in hopes of getting all of them out of this situation. This is where you get the "What kind of Americans are you?" scene I saw in the trailer which I can admit is pretty good. To sum this up, they shoot both Bohai first. Tony is crying but tells the truth about being from Hong Kong and Jesse blasts him too. Luckily the old man Stephen drives the Press Truck and hits them with it. They pull Cailee out of the mass grave she fell in, take more time than they should to get in the car, and drive away. The man in the truck-loading the mass grave with bodies comes out with a gun and shoots! Somehow… he only hits Stephen, the black journalist and driver who told him his every instinct was that “this was death”. He was right! Next, they drive through fire and the older journalist who wouldn't retire from being a journalist dies like half the characters in Spider-Man should. 

Retire already!

That's two dead Black guys and two dead Asian guys.

Finally, they make it to D.C. and move along with the frontline, which is now already there. Cailee, who throws up after being pulled out of a mass grave, is stepping in front of a lot of bullets. Thank god for plot armor, right? Our remaining three journalists find the only Black person who survives in the movie WF White House Seargent. Her name is Jojo T. Gibbs, but that’s what her character is called on IMDB which is another scandalous thing to leave us with. I had honestly checked out by then.

Kirsten is crying the whole time, but once she shakes it off and shoots pictures again. Before you know it, Cailee gets her dumb ass in the way again and Presidental forces are about to hit her, but Kirsten Dunst saves her once again and gets shot in the process. She dies pretty instantly while Cailee shoots her with her film camera. It's cold, but that's what they've been setting up for the whole movie.

Civil War doesn't end with that. These forces need to find President Nick Offerman first. They find a Black Secret Service agent who wants to negotiate for the President’s safety. Can you guess what happened to her? They let her speak, refuse to make a deal THEN she gets blasted. 

That's three dead Black people and two dead Asian guys. 

The End of Civil War

You should retire too! From New York Times

Living through an actual Civil War would be shocking and terrible. I'm aware it could happen in real life (again) but I hope we come to our senses as a culture before that. The movie Civil War does a good job showcasing the violent murder that will happen to people throughout the cities all over the country. It’s good at this part. What it says to me is that most of your Black people Asian people and Middle Eastern people and Dark Latinos will die. Only the white people from Colorado and Arizona will survive. Oh, it also says that all women should be Hollywood skinny. That is one way you could read it.

Of course, I personally won’t read into anything this movie says because I... I think I hated it. I was bored the whole time. I don't care much for politics and this movie didn't want to go over what happened to get the United States to this place. It’s faking hardness in that way. It just wants to cover "old school journalism" as the director said during an interview. And I’m sure the studio had a lot of notes about what this movie ended up becoming. That’s the only way they could use planes and mortars and guns.

I just... don't care about that. If you do... go check this movie out. If you're more like me, I encourage you to leave this one alone. If you love watching soldiers blow stuff up, you can also come in for those parts. Those parts were cool, but I’m already predicting that The Fall Guy will be a better cinematic experience. Civil War is not fun. This movie is violent, but not in a way that will make you sad. While I can see a political scene in which this happens in real life, my goal is to stay completely out of the way.

There’s a town our heroes briefly hit to try on dresses and check out hats. Inside one of the shops, they find a girl hanging out and reading a book. No violence at all. Snipers on the roof, but no Jesse Plemons leaving mass graves around. No police putting knees on necks. If I was in this universe, I'd like to live the rest of my life in that town… like I already do.

Also, when Cailee fell into the mass grave she fell on top of another black guy so it's really 4 dead black people.