Left to my own devices this week, I decided to check out a movie that's been slowly caressing me to watch it since it came out in 2018. It's called Blockers and has a cavalcade of character actors in it. In this essay, I'm only going to use the names I think people know best. That way you can pick up what I say with ease!
First, let me say that John Cena was a well-known wrestler for much of his career. When he turned to acting, which he is surprisingly good at, he kept all the muscle he built up in wrestling. There is nothing better than seeing him play a "normal guy," because in plain clothes, he looks like Steve Rogers pretending he’s not Captain America. That already made Blockers so funny to me
What Is Blockers?
Blockers is a movie about these three girls who have been friends since elementary school and the parents who love them. In their senior year, these young women make a “sex pact”. On prom night they all promise to lose their virginity. One girl has a long-term boyfriend. One wants to hook up with a guy called "The Chef" for drug-related reasons. The last girl set up a date with a chubby guy, unfortunately for both of them, she's a lesbian who hasn't come out to anyone.
I thought this would be this less tasteful coming-of-age story about a group of girls finding an epic way through their prom night, but Blockers isn’t about them. This movie is about their parents. They can't help but go on a mission to make sure their daughters don't have sex on Prom Night.
John Cena plays the "soft boy" father of Geraldine Viswanathan from Drive Away Dolls. His wife has a high-profile job so John Cena got to be there for all her games and trophies while she grew up. He’s very attached.
Judd Apatow's Wife (Leslie Mann) is the mother of Ant-Man's daughter, Cassie (Kathryn Newton). Judd Apatow's Wife is single so she and Cassie do everything together. There's a beautiful scene of them running together and brushing their teeth at the same time. It let me know they are two peas in a pod, but Cassie is sick of that and wants to go all the way to UCLA. She’s very attached.
Jimmy from Neighbors and Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (Ike Barinholtz) is the down-and-out father of Sam (Gideon Adlon) who you won't know unless you love voice actors. They are not cool at all, and to fix that Jimmy shows up at their pre-prom parent's picture day in a limousine with two sparklers sparking. Sam is lucky to have Hannibal Burress as her new father figure. Jimmy from Neighbors hates Hannibal Burress. He’s less attached but has an understanding of his daughter’s sexuality she hasn’t figured out.
What Happens?
Well... We've figured much of the movie out already. Let's break it down some more.
Girls make a "sex pact."
Their parents find out through a string of emojis that only Jimmy from Neighbors seems to understand. This is presumably because he likes to “hit it and quit it” as a divorced bachelor.
Jimmy from Neighbors tries hard to stop John Cena and Judd Apatow's Wife from ruining their daughter's prom.
Fuck that, they say as they all hit the road in Judd Apatow's Wife's car.
They make it to prom looking old as hell next to all these kids. They’re trying to find their daughters but they have already left for the post-prom party.
Before leaving, Sam falls in love with a cape-wearing Angelica (Ramona Young)
The parents don’t know where this party will be so they invade the sex night of Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole) and The Woman From Bound (Gina Gershon). They’re having sex and to spice it up they pretend they’re having their own unchaperoned prom.
He is also Ricky Bobby’s daddy.
They get the address from John Cena’s wife (Sarayu Blue) instead.
At the next party, some young bucks see how old these people are and convince John Cena to chug 40oz of beer... up his butt. It's a challenge so they do it too... only they're concealing that they're not butt-chugging it at all.
Geraldine Viswanathan is on hella drugs thanks to "The Chef" who makes all his delicious batches of drug-filled items. Geraldine Viswanathan swears she sees John Cena outside doing a butt chug, but she’s high so she shrugs it off.
John Cena has to unclinch his butt hole to take all that beer in. This is funny. When the cops show up, John Cena re-clinches his muscular bottom and floods butt beer in Jimmy from Neighbors in the face.
They pull the pump out of John Cena’s butt and that's nasty all around.
Limo chase!
Sam, got way too drunk too fast so she could try touching Chad’s penis to see if it made a difference. It won't because as Jimmy from Neighbors explained, he knew his daughter was gay before she did. During that limo chase, she vomits. I’m sure you know how this works. After seeing her vomit, everyone, including the limousine driver vomits too. I had to look away from the screen at this part, but I appreciate how graphic it was.
Judd Apatow's Wife crashes the car in a ditch and they lose their daughters once again. They’re waiting for an Uber to come 30 minutes and get them, but then Judd Apatow’s Wife’s car explodes. Good thing it’s the same amount of time.
Post-vomit, gas station clean up.
The parents must find the location. It’s a hotel party like the rapper Chingy was talking bout in his song, “Holidae In.” This will be the place where the sex will go down, but they just can't let these girls make their own decisions. So they break into Julia's boyfriend’s house because they trust their son and tell each other everything. John Cena sneaks into these people's house only to find Bill Lumbergh and The Woman From Bound are looking for each other in a dark house. Lumberg and The Woman From Bound are blindfolded and looking for each other in their house. They like to spice up their sex life with games.
Jimmy from Neighbors follows up on the break-in. When he gets in too, everybody starts touching each other. John Cena and Jimmy from Neighbors are trying not to get caught. Bill Lumberg and the Woman from Bound keep their blindfolds on because they are in it to win it. Bill Lumbergh says he can't believe how strong The Woman From Bound's hands feel.
Somehow they get out with the address and take an Uber to the hotel party.
The parents invade this party like they don’t remember what it was like for them. John Cena is knocking doors down like Pimp C. These people are very focused on their daughters not messing up their lives with penises and emojis.
They separately find their daughters. Everyone has a tender moment. John Cena gets told by Geraldine Viswanathan that she can make her own decisions. He knows he’s struggled to let go, but they hash it out and their cool. Plus she didn’t sleep with “The Chef” anyway.
Judd Apatow's wife finds the room where Cassie from Ant-Man and her long-term boyfriend are going to have sex, but after seeing all the rose petals that Geraldine Viswanathan set up, she manages to sneak out before they start. She realizes she doesn’t need to watch her daughter like a hawk and hashes that out on her own.
Jimmy from Neighbors finds Sam who confides in him about being a lesbian. He begins laughing because he was told before her mother was. That means a lot to this divorced bachelor who hasn’t been in his daughter’s life very much. They hash it out too.Sam finally runs into Angelica wearing a little cape of her own. They both feel the chemistry.
Prom night is finally over.
The parents decide to have a drink together, finally.
Three Months Later: the girls are going to drive Cassie to UCLA. As soon as they leave, Judd Apatow's Wife starts getting a string of emojis again... it’s a good thing that Jimmy From Neighbors is there to explain! They are minutes away and talking about the sex and drugs and bad decisions they’re looking to make! Oh noooo!
Then they say they’re just kidding.
Now, You Don't Have To Watch Blockers
Of course, you can if you want!
I feel like I did a good job of explaining everything to you. If you feel like a girl's coming-of-age story that's mostly about their parents, check Blockers out. If you find doing butt chugs to protect your grown daughter from all manner of man bun penis to the point you’d throw The Chef into a wall, maybe skip this one.
It's funny in this unexpected way, but it's a way that seems weird and unbecoming for anyone with children that age. It's like the movie is saying, "If you don't butt chug this beer then you don't love you're daughter. I don't want to be that guy, but I also pity that guy. Pitying John Cena, Judd Apatow's Wife, and Jimmy from Neighbors isn't easy, but this movie makes that feel possible.
It’s bad ideas on top of bad ideas.